My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
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Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”