My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
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[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
You better wish for more oil
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.