The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
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Oh you spent $8K to take your kids to Disney? My son watched the garbage truck empty our trash 20 minutes ago and he’s still talking about it
PROFESSOR: name all the birds you know
ME: personally? well there’s willy the wren who hangs by my window, and crazy pigeon pete but i haven’t seen him lately
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
If your girl says “Hey guess what!” you better already have your super excited blown away face picked out for whatever nonsense comes next.