@GrandadJFreeman

My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

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@ThisOneSayz

The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.

@ValeeGrrl

Oh you spent $8K to take your kids to Disney? My son watched the garbage truck empty our trash 20 minutes ago and he’s still talking about it

@TheHyyyype

[ornithology test]

PROFESSOR: name all the birds you know

ME: personally? well there’s willy the wren who hangs by my window, and crazy pigeon pete but i haven’t seen him lately

@CulturedRuffian

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

@PolishWonder79

Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.

@krishna_van

Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.

@flaccidumbrella

“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”

– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive

@Home_Halfway

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

@Daveastated

Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?

Me: I’m an only child.

@kyle_thatisall

If your girl says “Hey guess what!” you better already have your super excited blown away face picked out for whatever nonsense comes next.