My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
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Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
At least my masseuse has my back.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀