My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
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“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
