My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
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Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.