My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
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I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
If a snake ate a cake
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit