My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
You Might Also Like
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
murder on the timeline
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
