My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
You Might Also Like
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
The struggle is real.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Everyone is getting idioter.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.