Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.

My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

[cat and dog meet for negotiations]

Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.

Cat: *smiles*

Dog: Oh no.

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

ME: There’s something disgusting in my food

WAITER: Our plates are reflective

Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!

Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!

[3 days later]

W: Can you take the trash out?

M: No way!

W: *angry* I beg your pardon?

M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again

W: I despise you

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store

straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”

“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?