My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
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Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Dune (2021)
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.