Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.

Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

Husband: *sleeping soundly*

Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!

If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.

I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.

“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.

Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.

Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.

Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!

Her: Pork fried rice??

I don’t make the rules sorry

A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever

I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.

Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?

heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.

Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.