My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
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Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
What the hell is going on?
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?