Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐

Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”

-fuse box on a power trip.

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.

Her: You took a cab?

Me: I’m gonna give it back!

“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”

Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.

Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

British people be like I’m Bri ish

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.

An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?

I hate my earbuds.

Pot warmers of the day.

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night

Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.