My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
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figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.