Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”

I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding

Me: I- I gotta know

Cashier: know what?

Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.

scan me

Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’

Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you

ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator

A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice

Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%