my retirement plan is braless
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I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Isn’t
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
this is the greatest thing ever
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
