Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Human: [doing homework]

Dog: why aren’t you eating that

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.

[picks up scalp massager]

Me: what’s this thing called

Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher

Me: well take a guess my man

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.

If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon

I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one

Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

Discuss

Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!

*opens bag of chips*

My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.

*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

hitman: who am I killing?

dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?

hitman: rings a bell

dog: that’s right

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”

Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.