My retirement plan is to become a cat.
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news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
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[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever