My retirement plan is to become a cat.
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Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos