My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
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That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Discuss
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo