Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…

‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.

Reporter: *ports again*

I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

W

Email from my mom: What’s my email address?

[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together

I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”

Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!

A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.

Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.

Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

WINDOWS: update? 🙂

ME: I can’t

WINDOWS: later? 🙂

ME: I don’t know if I—

WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.