My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
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Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
? 💀
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?