My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
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I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.