My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
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Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
Short story
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting