My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
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Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Not helping
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁