My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
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My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman