Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.

3yo: I won’t.

Wife: hey guys.

3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.

MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol

“Charlie, I want a divorce.”

[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?

Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️

I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.

Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.

If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

Me: I need one washer for the sink

Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces

Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…

Stop having all the sex, what if we run out

Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.

The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan

My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.

I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.

Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’

Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’

Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’