My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
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If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
oh shit
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art