My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
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I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.