My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
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since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
me at the job i begged god for
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
😾
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing