My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
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8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something