My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
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Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
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me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
bro what is going on at twitter
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friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.