My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
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A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.