My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
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♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
cyclists
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
This is hilarious
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.