My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
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you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
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Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
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