My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
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What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
need him
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm