My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
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Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Thinking about a snail with a limp
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.