Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me

“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”

I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment

Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.

Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.

I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*

IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.

This might be the funniest tweet ever

Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.

Riddler: Oh?

B: Notice anything different about me?

R:

R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*

I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.

Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded

Stick with me and you’ll go places.

None of them good, but still.

Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.