Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“building-building building building building-building building”

(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.

Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.

I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.

not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit

[something bad happens to me and I disappear]

Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information

my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research

Nobody puts baby in a corndog.

Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go

Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail

I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me