Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.

mmm onion ringos

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.

After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.

true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”

Caught my son playing operation by himself and every time it would buzz he would say “now tell me where Batman is”

He’s going to be just fine

So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car

*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*

My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.

Why it’s so many prime days?

They broke ?

Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here

Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏

My wife has the worst taste in men.

date: you look nice

me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate

My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.

One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.

If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.

me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks

Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while

Me: I had a cold

Them: it’s been 7 months

Me: I had a lot of colds

If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.

Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.

[middle of a heated argument]

Him: I’m leaving you

Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it

they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?

The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.