My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
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My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men