my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
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Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?