my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
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Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.