Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.

This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.

Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.

receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days

You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]

doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI

TI’s daughter: a what

doctor: UTI

TI: no I’m TI

As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.

I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips

So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.

When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.

rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you

fourth wiseman:

😭😭😭