I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
You Might Also Like
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Bad grammar is awful, but bad spelling is worserer.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
DATE: So what do you like to do?
ME: Enter hot dog breeding contests
DATE: You mean “eating?”
ME: *thrusting hot dogs together carefully* No