@MomofTeen

My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.

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@Ygrene

Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao

@UncleDuke1969

Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.

@seethenare

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

@PrivacyAttorney

If Amazon had a dating app:

You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in

@Wine_honey1

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

@RidiculousSheri

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

@SummerCandyEyes

I like to make things awkward on first dates just by shouting “wrong hole!!” at inappropriate times, like when you’re eating.

@iamtomskinner

Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

@BigJDubz

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not

@kimlockhartga

A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”