My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.

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I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.


*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”


There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.


Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.


[during sex]

ME: I’m Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second


I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.


Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.


DATE: So what do you like to do?
ME: Enter hot dog breeding contests
DATE: You mean “eating?”
ME: *thrusting hot dogs together carefully* No