My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
You Might Also Like
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
same energy
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Effort made
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
i can’t wait that long