My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
You Might Also Like
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.