My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
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oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.