My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
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Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?