Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”

guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine

Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.

Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here

Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: You can find me in da club shawty

Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?

Me: Yes

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for

[Therapist’s Waiting Room]

ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you

WIFE: yup

ME: I knew it!

Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

ME: Hi mirror

BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk

ME: Hi mirror

BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville

WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open

Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.

“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.

If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.

Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga

WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday

Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?