Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.

“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and

genie: you have three wishes

me: nightvision goggles

genie: dope

me: the only pair on the planet

genie: many people will be affected

me: now kill the sun

genie: dude

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.

Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing

Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”

OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.

shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween

moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike

moving in: you know what this place could use…

If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.

I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.

Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.

Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?

Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.

When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.

*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out

A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

[really awkward birthday party]

FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!

Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Dracula: *sighing* I guess.

Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play

From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”

I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.