My rock bottom keeps refreshing
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According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
😂 amazing answer
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire