My rock bottom keeps refreshing
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A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Digital security in Ancient Troy
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets