@4Crocs
I love going to the dentist. He fills all my cavities. Then checks my teeth.
@HelloJessicaFox
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
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@4Crocs
@VaguelyFunnyDan
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
@KKAlThani
*trips a girl and catches her*
Haha looks like you’re falling for me
*winks*
*gets slapped*
@Marlebean
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
@_youhadonejob1
Meanwhile in London.
@InternetHippo
“you’re an adult why do you watch cartoons” bc cartoons are infinitely more relatable
movie: character encounters a problem and effectively resolves it in 2 hours
cartoon: just insane bullshit happening all the time and it’s on for 20 years
@CornOnTheGoblin
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
@bonehugsnirony
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
@daemonic3
[watching avengers endgame when Thanos first appears on screen]
me: [whispers to girlfriend] that’s Thermos
@Mechaniz10
Finishing up my kite with a key attached.
No this quarantine isn’t bother me.
I’m good!