(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

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DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted


In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.


Wife: Do you get turned on by underwear commercials?

Me: Depends.

Wife: That’s disgusting.


DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady


What I lack in personality I don’t make up for in anything else.


squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”


A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.


Her: I just don’t like you, no one does
Me: What, why? is it my hair?
Her: no
Her: no, it’s your personality
Me: oh thank god