@HelloJessicaFox

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

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@4Crocs

I love going to the dentist. He fills all my cavities. Then checks my teeth.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage

@KKAlThani

*trips a girl and catches her*
Haha looks like you’re falling for me
*winks*
*gets slapped*

@Marlebean

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

@InternetHippo

“you’re an adult why do you watch cartoons” bc cartoons are infinitely more relatable

movie: character encounters a problem and effectively resolves it in 2 hours

cartoon: just insane bullshit happening all the time and it’s on for 20 years

@CornOnTheGoblin

my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]

@bonehugsnirony

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

@daemonic3

[watching avengers endgame when Thanos first appears on screen]

me: [whispers to girlfriend] that’s Thermos

@Mechaniz10

Finishing up my kite with a key attached.

No this quarantine isn’t bother me.

I’m good!