DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
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In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Wife: Do you get turned on by underwear commercials?
Wife: That’s disgusting.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
What I lack in personality I don’t make up for in anything else.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Her: I just don’t like you, no one does
Me: What, why? is it my hair?
Me: MY LOOKS!?
Her: no, it’s your personality
Me: oh thank god