I love going to the dentist. He fills all my cavities. Then checks my teeth.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
You Might Also Like
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
*trips a girl and catches her*
Haha looks like you’re falling for me
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Meanwhile in London.
“you’re an adult why do you watch cartoons” bc cartoons are infinitely more relatable
movie: character encounters a problem and effectively resolves it in 2 hours
cartoon: just insane bullshit happening all the time and it’s on for 20 years
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
[watching avengers endgame when Thanos first appears on screen]
me: [whispers to girlfriend] that’s Thermos
Finishing up my kite with a key attached.
No this quarantine isn’t bother me.