Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.

*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.

dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles

What do you hear?

Just met my Gen Z neighbors Jaiyszon and Kjimberrlley and their newborn daughter Paiyszleiyeigh.

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.

the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*

Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.

My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.

ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key

Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?

I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.

The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.

If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.

OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?

CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf