my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
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Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
This squirrel eats better than I do
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
making my dog give me my pills
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
#Caturday
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.