my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
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I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.