Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
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I painted a hot chick with big jugs
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.