Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
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Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.