Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.

Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.

Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.

Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub

Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?

Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult

Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork

My son: No thanks

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?

When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.

And then start talking gibberish again.

WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic