Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business

It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.

*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?

I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor

[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.

got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?

Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.