My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I鈥檝e come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body鈥攁 body of the future.
Tuesday
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I鈥檓 very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can鈥檛 go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?馃樁
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
