My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
