my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
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If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
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What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
My new favorite headline
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[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back