Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First I was a pebble..

just wait til i figure out what algorithm means

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.

Sticker placement is key.

Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro

Cats are still liquid.

Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol

When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident. 

Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?

Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night

Toddler: *babbling nonsense*

Me: Ok, got it!

Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.

I think she said something about listening too.

Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating

“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.

I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.

Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain

Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager

Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably

Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me

The afternoons I spent on my hair.

Franz Kafka, 1912.

[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes

Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?