Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now

Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)

so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.

LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.

JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss

Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏

i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open

My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn’t it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.

Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.

*gets served divorce papers during the reception*

If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”