my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
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[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it