my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
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Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
LOL
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.