My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
For those that worship cheese..
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
