My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
You Might Also Like
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Guy who likes music
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.