My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Happy Star Wars day!
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
