My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
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My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree