My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
You Might Also Like
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
whenever i wake up before my alarm
sistine chapel
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.