My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
You Might Also Like
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.