my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
You Might Also Like
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
I said into the microphone at karaoke “I hope they never catch that guy” and everyone cheered
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.