my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
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Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
