Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.

Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

Cop: freeze sucker

Me: it’s called a popsicle

You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.

Egyptians don’t walk like that.

*elbows date in ribs*

“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”

where it says “within reason?”

“that’s because of me”

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5

I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…

Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.

RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.

I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️

Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.

*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos