Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.

Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”

*and I was like _whatever_*

I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats

ME: *barely audible* orca-strated

HER: Get out!

[first date]

Date: how much do you drink a week?

Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.

Date: right.. Let’s do shots.

Me: i love shots.

Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.

Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”

– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

this chia pet tastes awful

If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.